Photo shoot... The Day After

UPDATE!!!!
i took sam to get a synergis shot today. as i'm pulling out of the parking lot a woman comes running over. it's the deacon's wife. she was there last night during the fiasco. anyway, get this - she comes running over, asking about my kids. she was worried that i had brought sam to the doc because of his "head injury" last night. hehehehe. i told her she could relax - sam's fine! good Lord, we made an impression.

By the way...

did i mention that as dan is dragging our kids out of the room to take them to the car while i pay the kids are asking for suckers?!? luckily dan was able to restrain himself from using profainity. he simply said, "no way - you're not getting any suckers!!!" my kids have nerve, don't they?

Picture Taking Hell

so. now i know why there are no professional photos of my family when i was growing up. i also now know why the parish only attempts to publish a family photo directory once every 10 or 15 years.

6:15 p.m. isn't the best time for us as a family. in fact, it's a pretty sh*tty time. probably the worst. but, it was the only time for us to schedule the photo. (did i mention the FREE 8x10?) if we didn't do it at 6:15, it would have to be during the day (dan would miss work) or on a saturday (soccer). so. 6:15 it was. i prepared diligently. i reminded them several times throughout the day that we were having our pictures taken after dinner. i had my kids (all of them) fed early, dressed decently and ready to go by the appointed time. some were kicking and screaming, but we had the ride over to the church to cool down. i had my bribe in mind (suckers).

apparently my kids were slightly confused and thought the bribe sucked. while filing out paperwork jack and maria ran around and made faces in the mirror. luke screamed because dad wouldn't let him down. sam was an angel. we finally got going with the photographer. jack wouldn't stand still, maria kept putting her hands up and luke (after saying he wanted to be on dad's lap) kept screaming "down." the photographer tries her "everyone freeze like a popsicle!" and gets out her goofy doll to distract. (whom, i'm not sure). jack makes a face, maria closes her eyes, sam is and angel and luke starts doing the wave like they do at baseball games. after more lame bribes, lots of threats and 157 takes, the photographer gave up and said she thought she "got one". then, bravely, she asked if we'd like a pic of the kids. dan said "no," i said "yes." no, i wasn't drunk. (in hindsight, however, i probably should have had a shot or two of whiskey before leaving the house.)

the photographer asked if one of the "older" kids could hold the baby. i said yes. would a chair with a back be best? yes. maria gets the chair, we give her sam. i tell dan to supervise her while we get luke and jack squared away. dan can't resist helping with jack and WHAM! sam hits the floor. the only child behaving is now screaming and has a red mark on his forehead from where he hit the floor. maria declares, "i wasn't holding onto him very tight." no kidding. i get poor sam calmed down. we decide to put the kids on the floor. after skootching and scrunching and positioning, we think we're ready. luke starts lifting his shirt and maria and sam start listing to the side... i reposition maria and sam and give luke a repremand. it's no use. luke wants a picture of his belly. "that's it!" i say. "FORGET IT!!!" no pictures of just the kids. none.

i sit down to review the pictures of our family. ha. okay. we found one that was not as embarrassing as the rest. that will go into the directory. do we want to buy some? well, hell yes, we do -- i'm not going to go through this again any time this century!

those of you lucky enough to get a copy of the picture (or even just get a viewing) are advised to tell me how beautiful my family is and how wonderful we all look. also, be sure to frame it using archive quality stuff because you ain't ever gettin' another!

oh, and the moral of the story? bribe the PHOTOGRAPHER, not the kids. i bet if i had told her i'd spend $1,000 on prints if she could get a good pic things might have turned out differently. okay. probably not.

Another Day in the Life...

this morning started off fairly normal... we did have to take daddy to work today since we picked him up yesterday to run errands and left his car at work.

when we returned home, i got all the supplies out necessary to build a really cool gourd bird feeder. of course, i end up doing almost all of the work while the kids run amok and throw this morning's newspaper all around the kitchen. jack is intermittenly interested and at one of these points, he and i work together while maria and luke unroll the entire roll of easel paper in the other room. maria and luke then return to the kitchen where maria grabs the bag of dried apricots and shoves about 40 into her mouth. i think there are some poopy diapers in my future.

we finally finish our project (crooked, but functional) and head upstairs to play for a while. everyone is really playing nicely together and enjoying themselves (i even compliment them!) the phone rings. it's tony! i haven't talked to tony in a year and i'm thrilled he's called. i try to sneak off to another room to have a quiet conversation. one minute later here comes maria. then luke. meanwhile, jack is in the hall with the new box of 200 pullups. i hear ripping tape and know the house is about to be decorated, so while managing to maintain a conversation, i nip his intent in the bud.

i choose another room and lock myself in. seconds later i hear screaming. very LOUD, hysterical, screaming and crying from my daughter. unable to put it off, i put tony on hold and assess the situation on the other side of the door. jack has thrown maria's precious blankie over the bannister. i tell maria to stop crying and run back to quickly finish my conversation. tony and i had been discussing a possible visit. he's probably second guessing now. i hang up and i walk into the playroom to find EVERY SINGLE toy dumped out of the bins and off the shelves. a jack tornado has struck.

i force jack and maria to restore the toys. as maria puts blocks into a bucket, luke happily takes them out, causing more hysteria. i pry luke away so maria can finish her task (after reminding her 23 time of her job). luke then turns to tormenting jack by removing all of the trucks he has linked up against the wall. more hysteria. i distract luke again and the kids finish their non-stellar cleaning. currently, everyone is back to calmly playing with the occassional sibling torment in between.

it's only 11:26 in the morning...

Hemmersmeier H*ll

welcome to hemmersmeier h*ll, installment 183

i think it started this morning with maria crawling into bed with us at 6:30 or so. not normally a problem, this morning (when no one had to get up) she WOULD NOT stop talking and fidgeting. so much for sleeping in. jack soon joins the melee and no one is sleeping now. good 'ole dad doesn't have to work today so he offers jack and maria a donut run! after much excitment, tears and arguing, the kids are dressed and ready to go. thankfully luke-the-wonder-child sleeps through it all and i even get a bowl of oatmeal in before waking him.

after donuts and a trip to wal-mart, the wrecking crew return. good 'ole dad bought gingerbread mix and we're going to make cookies!!! fun is had by all, but the flour gets out of hand. soon the vacuum comes out to suck up the HUGE mess. while much of this is going on, luke and i are upstairs talking to caroline. we return to wonderful smells and fresh cookies. i grab a big soft cookie for luke and sets him in his chair for a yummy snack. seconds later dan asks, "where's jack's big, fat christmas tree cookie?!?" oops. i explain that i gave it to luke. jack hears the exchange and bursts into tears. now, of course, he doesn't want ANY cookies. eventually, though, with everyone else eating them, he can't resist.

after ALL the cookies are gone, we go outside for a while to enjoy the 70 degree weather. we decide a playground would be more fun and head out. after some running on the playground we return for lunch. does anyone eat? NO! they had just eaten all 37 gingerbread cookies an hour ago.

maria and luke go down for naps. jack plays for a little while and then he goes down for a nap (then up, then down, then up, then down...) after he pees and washes his hands (and his doggie pees and washes his hands), they're finally down for the count.

while i remain home nap-policing, dan heads off to the honda dealer. yesterday, while dad was distracted, a very cute little boy and adorable little girl put all my spare change into the cd player in the van, shorting out all of the interior lights and radio. good news: only $90. bad news: cd player is ruined. oh, and we win the record for most money inserted into a cd player - $2.30. (previous record was $1.81)!

dan returns home with the good and bad news only to discover worse news: our garage door opener is dead. after an hour on hold with our home warranty company we discover the repair and/or replacement is NOT covered under our policy. of course it isn't - what were we thinking?!?

while dan's out monkeying with our garage door opener, i hear some activity in the play room. i climb the steps to find maria naked from the waste down. "WHAT are you doing?" i asked her. "i just peed on jack's firetruck," maria responds. "WHAT?" i ask, sure i misheard her. "i peed on jack's firetruck - over there," she says. sure enough, she did just that. don't ask me how... yuck.

soon after, all of the kids are up from their naps. yeah! it doesn't take long before everyone is bickering (except for dear, sweet luke, of course) so dear 'ole dad gathers them up (after lots of crying and protesting) for a walk around the neighborhood. i stay home and cook a nutritious meal of belgian waffles. the crowd bursts in and after lots of crying and protesting (except from luke) everyone is seated an eating. luke can't get enough - i think he ate two whole waffles himself. jack, too, does great, but drops not one, but TWO forks during the meal which have to be replaced. meanwhile, maria drops her cup (she will NEVER have anything but a sippy cup) AND a fork, with a timeout in between. she ate virtually nothing, but did cry a lot.

as i type this, good 'ole dad is giving baths (amid lots of crying and protesting - but not from luke-the-wonder-child).

it's 6:34. i'm counting down until bedtime.