Photo shoot... The Day After

UPDATE!!!!
i took sam to get a synergis shot today. as i'm pulling out of the parking lot a woman comes running over. it's the deacon's wife. she was there last night during the fiasco. anyway, get this - she comes running over, asking about my kids. she was worried that i had brought sam to the doc because of his "head injury" last night. hehehehe. i told her she could relax - sam's fine! good Lord, we made an impression.

By the way...

did i mention that as dan is dragging our kids out of the room to take them to the car while i pay the kids are asking for suckers?!? luckily dan was able to restrain himself from using profainity. he simply said, "no way - you're not getting any suckers!!!" my kids have nerve, don't they?

Picture Taking Hell

so. now i know why there are no professional photos of my family when i was growing up. i also now know why the parish only attempts to publish a family photo directory once every 10 or 15 years.

6:15 p.m. isn't the best time for us as a family. in fact, it's a pretty sh*tty time. probably the worst. but, it was the only time for us to schedule the photo. (did i mention the FREE 8x10?) if we didn't do it at 6:15, it would have to be during the day (dan would miss work) or on a saturday (soccer). so. 6:15 it was. i prepared diligently. i reminded them several times throughout the day that we were having our pictures taken after dinner. i had my kids (all of them) fed early, dressed decently and ready to go by the appointed time. some were kicking and screaming, but we had the ride over to the church to cool down. i had my bribe in mind (suckers).

apparently my kids were slightly confused and thought the bribe sucked. while filing out paperwork jack and maria ran around and made faces in the mirror. luke screamed because dad wouldn't let him down. sam was an angel. we finally got going with the photographer. jack wouldn't stand still, maria kept putting her hands up and luke (after saying he wanted to be on dad's lap) kept screaming "down." the photographer tries her "everyone freeze like a popsicle!" and gets out her goofy doll to distract. (whom, i'm not sure). jack makes a face, maria closes her eyes, sam is and angel and luke starts doing the wave like they do at baseball games. after more lame bribes, lots of threats and 157 takes, the photographer gave up and said she thought she "got one". then, bravely, she asked if we'd like a pic of the kids. dan said "no," i said "yes." no, i wasn't drunk. (in hindsight, however, i probably should have had a shot or two of whiskey before leaving the house.)

the photographer asked if one of the "older" kids could hold the baby. i said yes. would a chair with a back be best? yes. maria gets the chair, we give her sam. i tell dan to supervise her while we get luke and jack squared away. dan can't resist helping with jack and WHAM! sam hits the floor. the only child behaving is now screaming and has a red mark on his forehead from where he hit the floor. maria declares, "i wasn't holding onto him very tight." no kidding. i get poor sam calmed down. we decide to put the kids on the floor. after skootching and scrunching and positioning, we think we're ready. luke starts lifting his shirt and maria and sam start listing to the side... i reposition maria and sam and give luke a repremand. it's no use. luke wants a picture of his belly. "that's it!" i say. "FORGET IT!!!" no pictures of just the kids. none.

i sit down to review the pictures of our family. ha. okay. we found one that was not as embarrassing as the rest. that will go into the directory. do we want to buy some? well, hell yes, we do -- i'm not going to go through this again any time this century!

those of you lucky enough to get a copy of the picture (or even just get a viewing) are advised to tell me how beautiful my family is and how wonderful we all look. also, be sure to frame it using archive quality stuff because you ain't ever gettin' another!

oh, and the moral of the story? bribe the PHOTOGRAPHER, not the kids. i bet if i had told her i'd spend $1,000 on prints if she could get a good pic things might have turned out differently. okay. probably not.